Taking Chances Pt 1 – Killer’s Moon (movie)

KillersMoonCover‘Twas dry wit that killed the Brickleshireweston girls.

Are you one of those people that think a British accent brings an almost guaranteed promise of quality or intelligence? Are you a fan of early slasher films despite most of them not having much of a plot? Do you start to raise an eyebrow when Netflix says “Because you liked The Lego Movie you might also enjoy Hellraiser: Retribution.”   Well, Killer’s Moon was a stab in the dark option one night as the flu set in. I like horror. I like Europe. I like surprises. Let me rephrase. I used to like these things.

We are feeling at least 15 minutes into the movie  and all there is to show for it is a busload of generic girls singing and some of the most British opening credits I’ve ever seen. Directed by Alan Birkinshaw. Starring Nigel Gregory, Edwina Wray, and Elizabeth Counsell.  I swear I thought I was part of a Murder Mystery Dinner. So, there’s singing, lots of shots of trees, two lads living in a tent on the countryside for fun, and more trees. Something is lurking in the trees and apparently to shy to make a move until 30 minutes in. That would be okay if we were establishing characters or a sub-plot. There is literally nothing.

The aforementioned songbirds are travelling cross countryside to attend a choir convention or some such nonsense. Their bus breaks down, so their teacher/coach (an older stuffy woman with cat-rimmed glasses and all) has them all trek through the muddy woods to find help. Her assistant, sporting a Laurie Strode Halloween 2 (the one in the hospital) wig, doesn’t do much other than look like Barbara from the original Night of the Living Dead in a Laurie Strode Halloween 2 (the one in the hospital) wig.

The head mistress/teacher lady is one of the rudest characters. She is rude to the point of it not making sense. She meets a strange elderly man in the woods and berates him for there not being a hotel closer. She’s so uptight, I think even the royal family would say “Hey…chill out a bit.”

“Chilling out” pretty much describes almost every other young female character in this movie. They looked bored and resentful…like Jennifer Hudson in every role since Dreamgirls. Even when delivering such lines as ” Look, you were only raped, as long as you don’t tell anyone about it you’ll be alright. You pretend it never happened, I pretend I never saw it and if we ever get out of this alive, well, maybe we’ll both live to be wives and mothers.”  Yes, this was spoken from one teen girl to another after our psychos raped her. Then, they moved on like it never happened. Never happened, indeed.

So the premise of this movie is that four mental patients were made part of an experimental treatment that left them believing they were having a “shared dream.” So they assumed they could hurt any and everyone with no consequences (curious none of them tried to fly).

In the midst of this “plot”, we have British Laurie Strode fainting repeatedly (but apparently no one wanted to rape her), two sexy British hunks first trying to score with and then turning into heroes for the girls, a cat’s tail gets chopped off, fat psycho puts on a bolder, fire, wigs, bad teeth, the end.

No wonder you haven’t seen any British contributions to top horror movie list. This movie was MST3K material, if it hadn’t had so much boobies and raping. The sheer awfulness of this movie’s visuals is summed up with the “outdoor” scene that obviously takes place in a studio. You can tell because the sound quality changes (bouncing off the walls) and there is a painting of a forest not 3 feet away from the actors…a painting…

So, if you want to laugh til you fall asleep, this movie should work for you. If you’re looking for torture porn and boobs, you probably need help. Killer’s Moon will forever keep me pinned to that time and space against my will. I didn’t want to make a rape analogy, but that’s where this movie took me.

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